Meditations with Wildland Firefighters
by Emily Kostuch
I had the pleasure and privilege of representing FUSEE at a 6-day mindfulness retreat for 24 wildland firefighters (current, former, and retired) in mid-January at Great Vow Zen Monastery. Helena put in much of the leg work on FUSEE’s behalf with the three facilitators in planning and leading up to the retreat. Late into the planning process, I asked if I could join and I was tasked with going to observe and help determine whether this would be a good thing for FUSEE to continue to sponsor and support in the future. I also have a background in mental health, prior to my administrative and nonprofit law work, and I worked in few different roles for mental health organizations after majoring in Psychology in college.
Each day of the retreat was planned with so much intention. In the mornings, participants could observe silent meditation with the residents of the Monastery, participate in morning yoga or qigong, or “sleep in” until 7:15 and join the community for breakfast.
Each meal at Great Vow was home cooked and served by the residents of the monastery and we got the pleasure of sharing mealtimes with them and engaged in conversation, mutual learning, and respect for each other’s lifestyles as Zen Buddhists and wildland firefighters. With a mostly meat-free diet myself, I appreciated the creative vegetarian meals, though I imagine some of the firefighters missed a meat option.
Jizo, protector of firefighters (among many others)
After each meal, the facilitators led group mindfulness and meditation practices, followed by various activities. Starting easy, on the first morning, the participants journaled and talked about why they love(d) being a wildland firefighter or fire practitioner. We gradually worked deeper into personal issues faced due to the nature of the work, with the culmination of these insights bringing us to a day dedicated to grief. The group had many things to grieve: on-the-job deaths, time lost with family and friends, past relationships, past selves, suicides, illness and death of loved ones while away for work. It was emotional and hard, but it’s deeply important to admit and start healing from the weight that we carry from these things. Despite only having met these folks a couple days before, I felt so proud of all of them.
One afternoon, we did a work practice at Great Vow, which offered the participants the opportunity to give back to the monastery by doing work on the grounds, included building new trails and decommissioning older, hazardous trails on the property, and removing moss on the monastery’s roof. The facilitators noted that the energy of the participants that afternoon was vastly different than the more somber and seriousness when in groups talking about grief, difficulties in the job and in meditation. The joy of being able to be of service and work on the land was apparent. As was the willingness and determination in their work. This shouldn’t have been a surprise, as when I was helping check people in on the first day of the retreat, almost no one took me up on my offer to help them carry their bags to their dormitories.
Personal reflections
Grief
Altadena treasures
What I got out of the retreat personally was much more potent than I expected.
On January 8th, five days before leaving for the retreat, my partner found out that his childhood home and much of the community of his youth had been burned in the Eaton fire in Altadena, CA. We had visited there twice in the past year, once for a vacation (my first time there), and once for a funeral.
I recognized during grief day that I was mostly concerned about my partner’s grief around what his family lost during the fire, but I also had grief that I needed to process, albeit on a much smaller scale than his, but it was still real.
Connection
I arrived a little bit worried as one of the few people in the group of 29 who has never been a wildland firefighter that I might not be relatable to the participants. Thankfully, this worry was unfounded. Everyone was very open, curious, and welcoming of me and what I contributed. I was reminded that we are all human (even Buddhists!) and we are connected by similar joys and sorrows. On the final morning while saying goodbye, one of the firefighters told me I’d been officially accepted into the wildland firefighter community.
Photo credit: Michael Sherman
Mindfulness
I’m doing my best to maintain some of the new skills and practices I learned during the retreat, particularly connecting with my body and engaging more with silence. Having never had a regular mindfulness/ meditation practice, and never having had much exposure to Buddhism, I have much more context when I see Thich Nhat Hanh books in the hippie bookstores of the Pacific Northwest.
Links:
Return to our Senses, the website of the work of one of our facilitator’s, Lee Lesser
FUSEE’s info and resources for Firefighter Wellness